Meditating On… “Me” Time

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Ever have “one of those days”? You know the ones I’m talking about… When you overslept, didn’t have time to dry your hair so you look like a drenched ballerina, you feel like you accomplished nothing at work (or house chores), … Continue reading

Live An Hour More Each Day

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I saw the above inspiration on Pinterest last night before I went to sleep and thought, “Yeah, right! Sleeping in is way better than getting up early. This is such a philanthropist quote!” But, the more I thought about it, … Continue reading

Full-On

I don’t have much time to post today as I am headed out to a very anxiety-inducing doctor’s appointment. However, I wanted to share with you guys my first full-on vamp makeup look with the darkest lipstick I have ever owned.

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I went for a satin finish on my eyes and a winged out, black eyeliner. I didn’t want to get too gothic with the look so I skipped applying any eyeliner on my waterline and instead used a bit of the Urban Decay color “Smog” under my bottom lashes. I also used a purplish, light colored blush to balance out my face and bring color too my cheeks without over powering the main focus of the makeup– the lipstick!

I picked up this shade the other day. It is part if the Revlon Super Lustrous line (which you guys know I love) in the color “Black Cherry”. This is my first time wearing it out and, although bold, I think it gives the perfect complement to the overall look. If it were summer I’d just put on a semi-sheer gloss and run out but, since it’s fall (even though today is another 80 degrees) I incorporated the darker color to set the mood.

In order to tone up my face and seem more “approachable” while wearing this eccentric color, I paired it with a white oxford button up, dark boot cut denims, and wedges.

Hope you guys like it! Have a great day and leave any comments or questions below– I love hearing from you!

Pretty Little Prozac

How is it possible to have everything you need to make you happy and yet, still be unhappy? Easy– it’s called depression; a disease millions of people suffer from worldwide.

If you read one of my previous posts in the ‘fitness’ section of my blog then know all about my PMDD and anxiety disorder, my self-esteem issues, and self image distortions. But, what I’ve been in denial about is the probability of my having post partum depression.

They say that you never notice when something is going on with you. It’s usually always your spouse, your parents, or your doctor. My husband was put on high alert to keep an eye on me after I had our youngest because I was high risk for depression to become a problem. Although, I felt superior to the conflict going on inside my body and felt like I could handle things on my own or keep it a secret, like no one would realize when I was having a bad day. That was foolish…

My husband noticed about 4-5 months after E was born that I wasn’t myself. I cried a lot, wouldn’t answer the door if left at home alone, and was generally anti-social. And, although I speak in past tense, all the things I’ve mentioned so far continue to be a constant battle for me now.

We have recently both agreed that I should cut down on my hours as a volunteer until I feel more stable and supported. Even though I know this is the right thing for me to do, I can’t say that it’s easy. I feel like I’m failing, letting people down, not setting the example I should for our kids…etc. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am a good wife and mother, I can never accept it. I am constantly down on myself and sure that he is mad at me for every little thing. I even feel like I’ve let him down if I skip a day of working out– and what should he care?!

I have been crying for most of the day today considering…and I now have an appointment at the doctor on Monday. I’m scared. I’m tired. I just want to be happy! I just want to feel normal…

I’m not usually one to write such personal blog posts but, I can’t just pretend that the last fabulous pair of shoes I bought is the biggest concern in my life right now either. I find that most of us are facing more trials than most people realize & sometimes putting on a happy face just isn’t enough. Sometimes an ootd isn’t enough. Sometimes not even you regular dose of Prozac is enough.

When I say anxiety/depression is a disease, I’m talking about the way it attacks you, they way it engulfs you mentally, physically, emotionally, and the taxing effort you have to put forth to fight even a fraction of it off. It’s exhausting, even when you know better times are ahead.

I’m at that point where I just want to be 7 years old and have my mom tuck me in bed and bring me chicken broth while all I have to worry about is watching my favorite movies. But, alas! I am an adult, and adults take responsibility for themselves, their feelings, and their tribulations. Now, it’s my turn to be accountable, for my health and happiness. I want to know my worth and prove I’m deserving of the love that surrounds me.

That sounds much easier said than done but, it’s supposedly not about the accomplished feat; instead, more of what it took to get you to the finish line. And what a welcome sight the finish of these terrible feelings is!

Living Several Days At a Time

“I Try to Take One Day at a Time, but Sometimes Several Days Attack Me at Once” – Ashleigh Brilliant

Most people have heard or read that quote, at least once, in the their life. I even have it on a bookmark in one of my favorite books since it pertains to me on more than one level.
These last two weeks I feel like I’ve been living the reality of that a little bit more than I have previously. I’ve been quite alone… but, not lonely.

Since my husband travels for work, sometimes I feel like I’m living with caffeine in one hand and my children in the other. This week has been especially challenging as we have been trying to organize finances for potentially buying a house, my step-son did not go to summer camp, and I’ve been determined to squeeze in a workout everyday.

After taking the kids to the beach on Monday, the local Children’s Museum on Tuesday, and to my mom’s to swim in the pool yesterday, I felt like I was fortunate to even get time for a shower last night! Since my youngest is 5 months old, I am still hesitant about taking both the boys places all by myself. Being only the biological mother of one, I have this fear due to my lack of prior experience. My irrational reasoning forces me to assume that my, unusually good natured, baby is going to wait until we get out in public and throw a fit about– well, anything. This week I have really pushed the limits of my OCD personality, shoved aside my perfectionism, and went with the flow. These three things are normally what makes me life’s “weakest link”.

My husband is a professional at taking things in stride and taking time to lay back. Opposites attract, or so they say, and that’s why he ended up with an anxiety ridden, prozac taking wife who (I might add) he treats like a princess. As they say, when you find a guy who makes you laugh everyday, believes in you, is ridiculously good-looking, and you couldn’t imagine life without him… MARRY THAT MAN! I did, and it was the best decision of my life. :)

But, really, the purpose of this post isn’t how dependent I am on the help of my husband or the fact that I admire him more daily for the fact that he can just ride the waves of life with so much ease. Although, those things are true, I am more proud of myself this week than anything. I didn’t wait around for anyone. I did what needed to be done, spent time with my family, cleaned the house, went grocery shopping… etc., without having to stop and think about the effort that I had to put forth in order to do it. That’s what really holds us back, isn’t it? It’s the over-thinking of the task at hand that makes us give up.

A year and a half ago, I got very sick (mentioned in another post) and, even though I tease that I lost a little of my mind/memory, I honestly think it’s true. After I started to recover, I was still very clingy toward my husband. I felt like I needed him for everything. Like, I was afraid to live life on my own from day to day. I started making lists of what I needed to do every day because I couldn’t remember anything or get motivated to do it even if I did remember. I suffered from panic attacks when I felt overwhelmed by things as simple as doing the laundry!

But, this week, I pushed past every limitation I’ve felt because of my imperfections and drew closer to who I am as a mom and to my step-son. The fact that he told me he wanted to hurry in the bath last night so that he could have more fun with me melted my heart. A sentence I know for a fact that his “real” mom has never heard.

So, my word to mom’s who suffer from any type of anxiety, depression, or obsessive compulsive personality disorders: Don’t give up on your responsibilities because they feel daunting today. I got 3 hours of sleep last night, no breakfast this morning, and my son has spent the entire morning watching animal planet. Some days will be better than others. Some days will be amazing. Hang on to those amazing days. Remind yourself how awesome you felt, how much you got accomplished, how your husband looked at you at the end of that day and use it to motivate yourself the next time you don’t have time for yourself to shower, or put make-up on, or get the dishes done. There is always tomorrow.