I bit the bullet. I got a gender reveal ultrasound. So, many things have led up to this…. Not just me getting pregnant again. But, the numerous conversations that hubby and I have had about our plans for the future. … Continue reading
Ever have “one of those days”? You know the ones I’m talking about… When you overslept, didn’t have time to dry your hair so you look like a drenched ballerina, you feel like you accomplished nothing at work (or house chores), … Continue reading
Sunday mornings are one of my favorite times of the week. It gives me time to reflect, meditate, and snuggle :) This particular morning, I find the above list of ways to be happy completely inspirational.
I have previously blogged this exact list when I was blogging about my pregnancy but, for some reason, today it takes on a new meaning for me. Perhaps, I’m just feeling a little more grateful today for who I am and what I have.
(1) Something to do– In particular, today, I have a wedding to photograph. I get to witness the love between two people that is taking them to the next level in their relationship and in life. In my life, individually, I have a similar job. I see, daily, the love that my family members and friends have for me and for each other. I am a wife, a mom, a volunteer, a photographer, a blogger, and most importantly a unique person who has needs but, can also fill the needs of others. For this, I am extremely thankful.
(2) Something to love– I am in love with the concept of love. And, although my personal resolutions about others’ love for me may sometimes falter because of my lack of self-esteem or confidence, deep inside, I know that there is nothing greater than to love and be loved by another person. My husband reminds me of this daily and my children reinforce it even further. They are the cornerstones of my existence and I wouldn’t trade them for the world.
(3) Something to hope for– I hope that I can remain who I am as I mold and change and become a better version of myself. I hope that I can be a role model for my family and others. I hope that I can maintain my friendship with those who have taken the time to get to know me; especially God, who is my reason for hope in general. Without a connection to those who have the same faith and wishes as I do, nothing would be possible.
Why not take a second to think about the answers to these for yourself? Reblog if you feel like sharing your own feelings on this list!
Thank you so much for reading! I am eternally obliged to each of you <3 Have a great Sunday!
How is it possible to have everything you need to make you happy and yet, still be unhappy? Easy– it’s called depression; a disease millions of people suffer from worldwide.
If you read one of my previous posts in the ‘fitness’ section of my blog then know all about my PMDD and anxiety disorder, my self-esteem issues, and self image distortions. But, what I’ve been in denial about is the probability of my having post partum depression.
They say that you never notice when something is going on with you. It’s usually always your spouse, your parents, or your doctor. My husband was put on high alert to keep an eye on me after I had our youngest because I was high risk for depression to become a problem. Although, I felt superior to the conflict going on inside my body and felt like I could handle things on my own or keep it a secret, like no one would realize when I was having a bad day. That was foolish…
My husband noticed about 4-5 months after E was born that I wasn’t myself. I cried a lot, wouldn’t answer the door if left at home alone, and was generally anti-social. And, although I speak in past tense, all the things I’ve mentioned so far continue to be a constant battle for me now.
We have recently both agreed that I should cut down on my hours as a volunteer until I feel more stable and supported. Even though I know this is the right thing for me to do, I can’t say that it’s easy. I feel like I’m failing, letting people down, not setting the example I should for our kids…etc. No matter how many times my husband assures me that I am a good wife and mother, I can never accept it. I am constantly down on myself and sure that he is mad at me for every little thing. I even feel like I’ve let him down if I skip a day of working out– and what should he care?!
I have been crying for most of the day today considering…and I now have an appointment at the doctor on Monday. I’m scared. I’m tired. I just want to be happy! I just want to feel normal…
I’m not usually one to write such personal blog posts but, I can’t just pretend that the last fabulous pair of shoes I bought is the biggest concern in my life right now either. I find that most of us are facing more trials than most people realize & sometimes putting on a happy face just isn’t enough. Sometimes an ootd isn’t enough. Sometimes not even you regular dose of Prozac is enough.
When I say anxiety/depression is a disease, I’m talking about the way it attacks you, they way it engulfs you mentally, physically, emotionally, and the taxing effort you have to put forth to fight even a fraction of it off. It’s exhausting, even when you know better times are ahead.
I’m at that point where I just want to be 7 years old and have my mom tuck me in bed and bring me chicken broth while all I have to worry about is watching my favorite movies. But, alas! I am an adult, and adults take responsibility for themselves, their feelings, and their tribulations. Now, it’s my turn to be accountable, for my health and happiness. I want to know my worth and prove I’m deserving of the love that surrounds me.
That sounds much easier said than done but, it’s supposedly not about the accomplished feat; instead, more of what it took to get you to the finish line. And what a welcome sight the finish of these terrible feelings is!
“I Try to Take One Day at a Time, but Sometimes Several Days Attack Me at Once” – Ashleigh Brilliant
Most people have heard or read that quote, at least once, in the their life. I even have it on a bookmark in one of my favorite books since it pertains to me on more than one level.
These last two weeks I feel like I’ve been living the reality of that a little bit more than I have previously. I’ve been quite alone… but, not lonely.
Since my husband travels for work, sometimes I feel like I’m living with caffeine in one hand and my children in the other. This week has been especially challenging as we have been trying to organize finances for potentially buying a house, my step-son did not go to summer camp, and I’ve been determined to squeeze in a workout everyday.
After taking the kids to the beach on Monday, the local Children’s Museum on Tuesday, and to my mom’s to swim in the pool yesterday, I felt like I was fortunate to even get time for a shower last night! Since my youngest is 5 months old, I am still hesitant about taking both the boys places all by myself. Being only the biological mother of one, I have this fear due to my lack of prior experience. My irrational reasoning forces me to assume that my, unusually good natured, baby is going to wait until we get out in public and throw a fit about– well, anything. This week I have really pushed the limits of my OCD personality, shoved aside my perfectionism, and went with the flow. These three things are normally what makes me life’s “weakest link”.
My husband is a professional at taking things in stride and taking time to lay back. Opposites attract, or so they say, and that’s why he ended up with an anxiety ridden, prozac taking wife who (I might add) he treats like a princess. As they say, when you find a guy who makes you laugh everyday, believes in you, is ridiculously good-looking, and you couldn’t imagine life without him… MARRY THAT MAN! I did, and it was the best decision of my life. :)
But, really, the purpose of this post isn’t how dependent I am on the help of my husband or the fact that I admire him more daily for the fact that he can just ride the waves of life with so much ease. Although, those things are true, I am more proud of myself this week than anything. I didn’t wait around for anyone. I did what needed to be done, spent time with my family, cleaned the house, went grocery shopping… etc., without having to stop and think about the effort that I had to put forth in order to do it. That’s what really holds us back, isn’t it? It’s the over-thinking of the task at hand that makes us give up.
A year and a half ago, I got very sick (mentioned in another post) and, even though I tease that I lost a little of my mind/memory, I honestly think it’s true. After I started to recover, I was still very clingy toward my husband. I felt like I needed him for everything. Like, I was afraid to live life on my own from day to day. I started making lists of what I needed to do every day because I couldn’t remember anything or get motivated to do it even if I did remember. I suffered from panic attacks when I felt overwhelmed by things as simple as doing the laundry!
But, this week, I pushed past every limitation I’ve felt because of my imperfections and drew closer to who I am as a mom and to my step-son. The fact that he told me he wanted to hurry in the bath last night so that he could have more fun with me melted my heart. A sentence I know for a fact that his “real” mom has never heard.
So, my word to mom’s who suffer from any type of anxiety, depression, or obsessive compulsive personality disorders: Don’t give up on your responsibilities because they feel daunting today. I got 3 hours of sleep last night, no breakfast this morning, and my son has spent the entire morning watching animal planet. Some days will be better than others. Some days will be amazing. Hang on to those amazing days. Remind yourself how awesome you felt, how much you got accomplished, how your husband looked at you at the end of that day and use it to motivate yourself the next time you don’t have time for yourself to shower, or put make-up on, or get the dishes done. There is always tomorrow.